At My Wits End

I love my kids. Really, I do! I love them more than I ever knew was possible. When I think about the love I feel for them, I am taken aback by the massive amount of emotion which flows between a mother and her children. My mom used to say things like, "One day when you have a daughter, you will understand....." Or "When you are a mother, this will make sense." And, now that I have been blessed to be called "Mommy," "Mama," or "Mom," by two little people, I am able to appreciate the love that is uniquely shared between a mom and her children.

So, now that I have convinced you that I really do love my children, I have to say that sometimes this motherhood thing is NOT what I had in mind. I had no idea that a child of four could cry over so many things - Here' s the short list:

• The color of her shorts




• The shoes she has to wear,




• The video she is watching,




• The snack she gets,




• The snack she doesn't get,




• The kiss her little sister gives her,




• Losing at Candyland,




• Winning at Candyland,




• Getting the wrong color ballon,




• Popping that ballon,




• Sitting in the wrong seat at dinnertime,




• Being forced to wear a dress to church,




• Not being allowed to wear her church dress to Preschool,




• Not getting the back seat of the bathtub,




• Running out of Ranch Dressing,




• Being last to get upstairs,




• A Papercut,

• Not having a baby in her tummy (yeah, I am not having that conversation yet!)




• Running out of time to read all 20 books before bedtime,




• Getting the wrong toothpaste,




• Getting the wrong color vitamin,




• Not being able to see God.

Recently Brooke's new way of communicating is through temper-tantrums and tears. She has mastered pitiful. She is a champion of manipulation techniques. First she drops to her knee and starts whining. Then, within minutes she is shaking and sobbing. The bottom lip puckers and she is sucking air so hard that I fear she may vomit. When she finally calms down, she goes after my heartstrings by saying things like, "S-S-Sometimes it is just too hard for a four-year-old to make happy choices." OR "I think I am just having a rough day and I need a hug."

REALLY!? What am I supposed to do with this? That is not a hypothetical. I really want to know. On one hand I am enraged because she has selective hearing and is completely sassy. Then, she becomes this sweet little person that is vulnerable & trying to find her way.

At times I feel like I do a pretty good job of being stern and firm with discipline, but other times I think she is playing me like a fiddle.

What I DO know is this - I need to figure this out before Morgan turns 4! Morgan is completely full-force, 100%, determined in everything she does. If she is going somewhere.... She runs. If she is eating something.... She eats until stuffed. If she gets mad...She is loud and full-force screaming. There is no "medium" setting with her emotions. I can only guess what may happen when she is a bit older and starts to test the boundaries. I can already see glimpses of her efforts to manipulate - The little sideways smile, the unexpectant hug after she upsets Brooke, and the way she says , "I ready to be big girl and listen mama. "

Yeah, I didn't quite know what I was getting myself into. I didn't know the challenges motherhood would present. I do know this - when I lay down in my bed and reflect each night, the first thing I feel is an overwhelming sense of accomplishment - I made it through one more day and I still love my kids! Really, I do!

Lucky

The Kentucky Derby was held last weekend. If I would have bet $2 on the "trifecta," I would have won $500,000. Considering I know nothing about horse racing - I would have been lucky.



I recently found a pair of shoes on sale and in my size for less than $10.00 I felt a wee bit lucky.
I lost an earring in the grass a few days ago and yesterday, I found it back. I felt lucky.



Still, overall, I have not considered myself extremely lucky. I play the lottery and lose. I have had my car towed more than the average person. I have appliances breakdown usually a few days after the warranty expires. I have typed 15-page papers, only to have a "computer error" delete them. It usually rains on the days that I forget my umbrella. I have (in my estimation) a fairly slow metabolism which means I may always battle the last 15 pounds!

In the past, I have been unlucky in friendship. On my 12th birthday, my "best" friend called me to tell me she was no longer my friend. Her reason- I wasn't popular. Until Phil came along, I wasn't lucky in love - Let's just say I was dealt the "friend" card over and over again. I have been known to complain about these things. Woe is me! Why me? Why am I so unlucky?












But, now, my perspective on "luck" has been altered significantly. No, I have not recently won the Ohio Lottery. While that would have been nice, I believe this recent revelation of sorts is perhaps more valuable.

In the past year, I have been closely watching a friend go through the most difficult time in her life. Her child is sick and there is nothing she can do. There is nothing we can do. We are helpless. It is by pure chance that she was dealt this hand in life. She is one of the kindest, gentlest, most caring people I have ever known. If anyone was meant to be "lucky," it should have been her. I get angered by the injustice of it all. Good people should have only wonderful things happen to them. Wouldn't that make more sense? Doesn't it just seem right? Wouldn't that be just?
And yet, here she is facing a reality that is, by all means - unfair, unjust, unlucky. My heart aches for her. I question - Why her?
This then leads to a deeper question - What if it were me? Why am I so lucky?
When dealing the cards of life, how did I get so lucky? I was given two beautiful, healthy children, a loving spouse, great parents, wonderful friends???

If I could re-deal the cards for my friend, I would. If I could shuffle them up and stack the deck in her favor, I would. If I could lend her a "lucky charm" that would take away the pain this situation has caused her, I would. Like I said before, I cannot. The only thing I can do is hug my healthy children a little tighter and count myself among the lucky. Did I just call myself lucky? It is true - I am lucky! Lucky in a way that makes me richer than anyone with a winning ticket.