The Flu

How helpless it feels to be a mother of a flu-sick child.  Between sticking a thermometer under her arm, covering her with blankets and holding her hair out of her face when she tries to puke, I am really just being useless!  I want to wave that magic wand they handed me when I had my first child.  You know, that one that is supposed to make all of the aches and pains go away with a kiss & a hug.  Its that one that when waved makes the tears dry up and sleep come easy.  It is that one that makes the fever go away and the smile return. 

You mean you didn't get one?

 Hmmmm.... Guess I was the only one.   Now, if only I could find it!

Deep Breaths

I am freaking out about the move. I am freaking out about the change. I don't do change really well.

I find myself taking deep breaths a few times each day. I just stop and B-R-E-A-T-H-E. I close my eyes and put all of the self-doubt, worry, frustration, uncertainty, and "to-do" lists out of my mind and focus. For a split second I forget that I am scared. I forget that I am worried about EVERYTHING. I don't ask questions or let myself be overcome by "What if's." It is a vacation of sorts. A little getaway from the reality.

Sure, it is true that this reality has been brought on by our own decisions. We decided to move. We decided that it was time for us to make this step. We decided to list our home and search for one two hours away. Still, there are times when I wonder if that makes it harder? There is no one to blame if things go wrong. We cannot be the victims. We are choosing this for ourselves and at times, that is what scares me the most.

Knowing that we are leaving neighbors we have grown to love. Knowing that we are selling a house that has witnessed all 7 years of our marriage. Knowing that our kids will be leaving the place they have called home their entire lives. Knowing that I am giving up a job I love for a job I may or may not. Knowing that Phil doesn't have a job near me and may not have one for months. All of these things make this choice a difficult and scary one. I just keep taking breaths.

Yum

Morgan love Pumpkin Bread. Apparently, Morgan REALLY LOVES Pumpkin bread!

She loves it sooooo much that she could not ask for another piece...No, that would take too long. She simply took it upon herself to snatch a piece.

And just when she thought it was the perfect crime....Evidence was found lingering on her face!

She is so proud!

Us? Yeah, we are kinda proud too!!

At My Wits End

I love my kids. Really, I do! I love them more than I ever knew was possible. When I think about the love I feel for them, I am taken aback by the massive amount of emotion which flows between a mother and her children. My mom used to say things like, "One day when you have a daughter, you will understand....." Or "When you are a mother, this will make sense." And, now that I have been blessed to be called "Mommy," "Mama," or "Mom," by two little people, I am able to appreciate the love that is uniquely shared between a mom and her children.

So, now that I have convinced you that I really do love my children, I have to say that sometimes this motherhood thing is NOT what I had in mind. I had no idea that a child of four could cry over so many things - Here' s the short list:

• The color of her shorts




• The shoes she has to wear,




• The video she is watching,




• The snack she gets,




• The snack she doesn't get,




• The kiss her little sister gives her,




• Losing at Candyland,




• Winning at Candyland,




• Getting the wrong color ballon,




• Popping that ballon,




• Sitting in the wrong seat at dinnertime,




• Being forced to wear a dress to church,




• Not being allowed to wear her church dress to Preschool,




• Not getting the back seat of the bathtub,




• Running out of Ranch Dressing,




• Being last to get upstairs,




• A Papercut,

• Not having a baby in her tummy (yeah, I am not having that conversation yet!)




• Running out of time to read all 20 books before bedtime,




• Getting the wrong toothpaste,




• Getting the wrong color vitamin,




• Not being able to see God.

Recently Brooke's new way of communicating is through temper-tantrums and tears. She has mastered pitiful. She is a champion of manipulation techniques. First she drops to her knee and starts whining. Then, within minutes she is shaking and sobbing. The bottom lip puckers and she is sucking air so hard that I fear she may vomit. When she finally calms down, she goes after my heartstrings by saying things like, "S-S-Sometimes it is just too hard for a four-year-old to make happy choices." OR "I think I am just having a rough day and I need a hug."

REALLY!? What am I supposed to do with this? That is not a hypothetical. I really want to know. On one hand I am enraged because she has selective hearing and is completely sassy. Then, she becomes this sweet little person that is vulnerable & trying to find her way.

At times I feel like I do a pretty good job of being stern and firm with discipline, but other times I think she is playing me like a fiddle.

What I DO know is this - I need to figure this out before Morgan turns 4! Morgan is completely full-force, 100%, determined in everything she does. If she is going somewhere.... She runs. If she is eating something.... She eats until stuffed. If she gets mad...She is loud and full-force screaming. There is no "medium" setting with her emotions. I can only guess what may happen when she is a bit older and starts to test the boundaries. I can already see glimpses of her efforts to manipulate - The little sideways smile, the unexpectant hug after she upsets Brooke, and the way she says , "I ready to be big girl and listen mama. "

Yeah, I didn't quite know what I was getting myself into. I didn't know the challenges motherhood would present. I do know this - when I lay down in my bed and reflect each night, the first thing I feel is an overwhelming sense of accomplishment - I made it through one more day and I still love my kids! Really, I do!

Lucky

The Kentucky Derby was held last weekend. If I would have bet $2 on the "trifecta," I would have won $500,000. Considering I know nothing about horse racing - I would have been lucky.



I recently found a pair of shoes on sale and in my size for less than $10.00 I felt a wee bit lucky.
I lost an earring in the grass a few days ago and yesterday, I found it back. I felt lucky.



Still, overall, I have not considered myself extremely lucky. I play the lottery and lose. I have had my car towed more than the average person. I have appliances breakdown usually a few days after the warranty expires. I have typed 15-page papers, only to have a "computer error" delete them. It usually rains on the days that I forget my umbrella. I have (in my estimation) a fairly slow metabolism which means I may always battle the last 15 pounds!

In the past, I have been unlucky in friendship. On my 12th birthday, my "best" friend called me to tell me she was no longer my friend. Her reason- I wasn't popular. Until Phil came along, I wasn't lucky in love - Let's just say I was dealt the "friend" card over and over again. I have been known to complain about these things. Woe is me! Why me? Why am I so unlucky?












But, now, my perspective on "luck" has been altered significantly. No, I have not recently won the Ohio Lottery. While that would have been nice, I believe this recent revelation of sorts is perhaps more valuable.

In the past year, I have been closely watching a friend go through the most difficult time in her life. Her child is sick and there is nothing she can do. There is nothing we can do. We are helpless. It is by pure chance that she was dealt this hand in life. She is one of the kindest, gentlest, most caring people I have ever known. If anyone was meant to be "lucky," it should have been her. I get angered by the injustice of it all. Good people should have only wonderful things happen to them. Wouldn't that make more sense? Doesn't it just seem right? Wouldn't that be just?
And yet, here she is facing a reality that is, by all means - unfair, unjust, unlucky. My heart aches for her. I question - Why her?
This then leads to a deeper question - What if it were me? Why am I so lucky?
When dealing the cards of life, how did I get so lucky? I was given two beautiful, healthy children, a loving spouse, great parents, wonderful friends???

If I could re-deal the cards for my friend, I would. If I could shuffle them up and stack the deck in her favor, I would. If I could lend her a "lucky charm" that would take away the pain this situation has caused her, I would. Like I said before, I cannot. The only thing I can do is hug my healthy children a little tighter and count myself among the lucky. Did I just call myself lucky? It is true - I am lucky! Lucky in a way that makes me richer than anyone with a winning ticket.

EASTER 2009

Brooke is allergic to eggs and Morgan tasted one and spit it right back out. Still, like many things in life, the fun part is "the hunt!" This theory applies to dating, shopping and, of course, easter eggs.

Modeling is definitely in their futures - don't ya think? Brooke is giving her "pondering" look, while Morgan is trying to look innocent. She just about pulls it off!

High School Musical

Brooke and I went to see the Central Crossing High School production of High School Musical. We were both very impressed. It was neat to see students that I had taught in 6th or 8th grade suddenly transformed into confident, talented, self-assured individuals. Brooke was in awe of the cheerleaders and the dancers.


Neither of us had ever seen the actual movie, so we were both eagerly awaiting as the curtain rose. We had very few expectations. I was simply hoping to sit for an hour or two in a comfortable chair. Brooke was satisfied the minute she saw pom-poms.

For those of you unfamiliar with the HSM plot, it can be summed up as follows: A mix of Romeo and Juliet with a bit of S.E. Hiton's The Outsiders and a dab of Grease. It is simply put, a classic story of cliques that clash. As I held Brooke in my lap the entire time, I couldn't help but ponder the question - How would she survive the brutal nature of teenage girls? Her tenderheartedness leaves her easily offended by small little comments. She can tear up unexpectantly, even if someone isn't trying to hurt her feelings. She is scared of the dark. She doesn't like to go to the movie theater because it gets "too loud, too big, and too dark!" She says her "heart hurts: when she misses her mommy and daddy. She crumbles when she is scolded and knows that she did something wrong. How can this little thin-skinned child one day survive the jungle of high school?

I guess it is our job to prepare her for this world. How do I prepare her for it without hardening her? How do I keep that sweet heart inside of her without leaving her exposed to years of hurt? How do I nurture her innocence without making her a target? Each day I have more questions and fewer answers, but somehow I seem to get by. I hope I have a few more years to figure these things out. I am SO not ready to have teenagers (Especially those of the female variety!)

Still, the show was FANTASTIC.